I wake up on the couch gasping for air... Great..my nose is now so plugged up I can't catch my breath not to mention I think the fires of hell are cold in comparison to me. Brilliant idea...lets take my temp. Lucky for me the thermometer is on the coffee table. I place the dumb thing under my tongue and wait..andwait...and wait...why the hell isn't it beeping? OK genius...turn it on....and wait and wait and wait...it still isn't beeping...whatever...but its been under my tongue for damn near 5 minutes and it says I'm normal..(OK at least my temp is)
I have now accepted the fact that I am having hot flashes, now its time to find something to blow my nose with. Off to the bathroom I go...eyes watering, oxygen levels dropping....one more step...must makeit...fading...getting dark... PHEW!! made it...that was the longest 5 steps... Now for relief...I grab enough toilet paper to turn my dog into a mummy...ready!!! set!!! blow....OOOWWWW! My ears feel like they have exploded, my eyes bugged out of my head and about the only thing that happened is my bellybutton popped out as if to say BING!! Turkeys done!!
Time for a mom remedy... back to the kitchen I go...washcloth in hand...ready to boil some water...under normal circumstances this would be easy...HA! I get the water in the pan, turn on the stove and wait.In the meantime I wet the wash cloth to hold over myface to start the process. Now my dumb dog sees me as a threat on the house, like I am some sort of a masked bandit. She comes charging at me like a bat out of hell, so what do I do.... I swing my pregnant butt around and block her attack. Nimrod has now realized who she is dealing with and is panic stricken... Given that I don't have chloroform on hand to knock her out...I try and coax her into a shot of Crown Royal(god knows I could use one right about now). She didn't take the shot but I think she sniffed it enough to give her a buzz cause she laid right down. Back to the steam.. I again try to blow my nose...BING! outgoes the belly button and that's it. To hell with blowing my nose. I have come to terms with the fact that while I am sick breathing is going to be even more difficult.
Its off to my ultrasound. Now as if breathing wasn't hard enough without being sick, I now get to lay flat on my back for the next hour while this happy go lucky tech pushes on my tummy. Good news...both babies are great...bad news..both babies are breech. Now I see why breathing is so difficult...I have both of their heads stuck in my lungs... but I think the conspiracy goes further...they have turned around to grab onto my ribs so that I can't cough them out. Which also explains why every time I cough I get this huge bump and sharp pain in my ribs...i now think I have bruised ribs on my right side (isn't pregnancy fun!)I make it back home..the thought of food makes me sick..I have coughed so much I can't tell if I have topee or if I pulled a muscle..I have a frog in my throat...a marble in one side of my nose a propeller in the other and the dog is still passed out drunk...I think it is time for me to sniff some Vic ks and pass out....
Until next time...BING!!!! have some turkey
**Disclaimer** The dog is not a drunk. She actually prefers smelling other dogs butts rather than sniffing Crown Royal. This is meant to be funny and not to be taken as an incentive to send me information of the doggy version of AA. :-)
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