Attack of the "Mood Swings"
Ok so maybe I have been a little moody..No wait... emotional..no...alright damn it I'm at the end of pregnancy what do you expect happy go lucky Martha Stewart? LOL For the sake of this chapter of Operation Twin pregnancy ...we’ll just call me Expressive.
This far along in a twin pregnancy, I think I have earned the right to bitch and complain about things that bother me. For example a friend of mine called to see how I was doing. I figured I would give her the short and sweet version. "Not too bad. Morning sickness sucks, and my feet are swollen. I’m hanging in there though." (Here’s where the mood swings come in) She had the nerve to say to me, "Oh God you’re gonna start complaining aren’t you? It can’t be that bad."
"Can’t be that bad?"Are you kidding me? And then it happened... I felt as though I had no control over my mouth. It was almost like an out of body experience (which wasn’t that bad cause I couldn’t feel the water balloon that I called feet throbbing if only for a minute). I gave a sinister chuckle, and was going to leave it at that. When all of the sudden it felt like someone had taken the jaws of life, pried my mouth back open and a flash flood of hormones took full control over my body! And this is what I said...
"Well excuse me" Ms. I don’t have any children." Until you have taken your once athletic body and turned it into an amusement park for two little babies, that think it is a thrilling adventure turning your internal organs into their own personal trampoline, get heartburn at the very thought of a glass of water, heartburn so bad that the fire department would declare a flare up, and have your feet swell to the point that your older child calls them water balloons and wants to paint them pretty colors...SHUT UP! You are more than welcome to come over and I can attempt to make you so uncomfortable that you would never want to be pregnant and then you can "try’ to tell me that its not that bad. Honey by the time I am done with you... you won't even want a puppy!"
Needless to say, she didn’t want to have lunch with me. Bummer. But see it doesn’t even take someone to say anything to flip my mood with the speed of a stock car. The littlest things could set me off. For example, in about 5 minutes time, I had several events that under normal circumstances would bother anybody. I, however, did not have "normal circumstances". Without being pregnant with twins, I am hardly what you say normal. Throw in 2 times the hormones and LOOK OUT!
Back to the events....
While brushing my teeth, I squeezed the toothpaste a little harder than what I should have. It was just enough to send it shooting across the mirror. I dropped my deodorant in the sink which cracked the lid, and I knocked over a full bottle of shampoo which nicely coated my bathroom floor. Oh and did I mention this all happened within 5 minutes of each other. I did? Just making sure you were paying attention. Have you ever seen a woman pregnant with twins try to kneel down to clean up shampoo off the floor? Of course not, because it is not possible. I had to flop my butt onto the floor, without landing in the puddle of strawberry scented hell and clean it up best as possible. I did the best I could given the circumstances, however, dripping water onto the floor for the next few days would bring about these mysterious bubbles. "I have NO idea where they came from!"
This ordeal of course sent me into a crying freenzy and all that it really accomplished was making me have to go pee again for the 20th time. Oh well, the bathroom smells nice. Nice enough to give me heartburn!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Operation Twin Pregnancy Mission 6
Some people can't control their bladder while they are pregnant...ME...I can't control my mouth.
Yes...It has finally happened... I am no longer showing any sympathy for fellow pregnant women, or anyone else for that matter. For example...walking trough Babies R Us, two girls that were both pregnant (and about 19) walked up to me to very bluntly state that I was the "biggest pregnant woman" they had ever seen. OK first of all...if anyone knows that I am big...ITS ME!! I mean come on, I haven't been able to reach my ankles for so long that I now look like one of the Clydesdale horse from the Budweiser commercials. (who by the way have changed their mind about letting me pull the wagon for their Christmas commercials because they don't have a harness big enough for me.)
Anyways, back to the little brats from the store.After their insult, I kind of grinned and said I was having twins. They both began to ask me about labor and what to expect...this is where I lost control of my mouth...I couldn't help it. When they both asked me if labor hurt...I gave an evil laugh...damn near yelled "hell yeah it hurts!" and ended my sinister plot by telling them that since it was their first pregnancy, the hospitals for reasons of liability,wouldn't allow them to have pain meds. Both of their jaws hit the floor, I smiled gave them a half ass"Good Luck" and walked away. (oh did I mention that I didn't feel the least bit guilty.)
I have also hit the point in my pregnancy that I have lost sympathy for everyone else that complains of pains or pregnancy symptoms.
For example..at the store buying yet another supply of what I affectionately call "Puke Pills" (aka: Rolaids)the cashier says, "oh do you still have morning sickness?" I told her that I did, in which she said,"Oh I had it until I was 10 weeks." Again I smiled and thought to myself, "is this chick for real?" I am obviously further along than 10 weeks and your comment is supposed to make me feel better?
NEWSFLASH! I don't care that you had morning sickness for 10 weeks or at all for that matter! I am 34 weeks along as of today, I puke daily and I have an un-natural fear of the toilet because of it. I have now mastered the art of puking with my eyes closed.Sure I gave myself a massive goose egg on my head from the toilet once or twice, but that's nothing compared to the first few times I tried to pee with my eyes closed. The first time I almost peed in the bath tub,I cracked my trash can, and bruised my ass on the counter, but I think I have the hang of it now.Oh well until I find my next victim....
Yes...It has finally happened... I am no longer showing any sympathy for fellow pregnant women, or anyone else for that matter. For example...walking trough Babies R Us, two girls that were both pregnant (and about 19) walked up to me to very bluntly state that I was the "biggest pregnant woman" they had ever seen. OK first of all...if anyone knows that I am big...ITS ME!! I mean come on, I haven't been able to reach my ankles for so long that I now look like one of the Clydesdale horse from the Budweiser commercials. (who by the way have changed their mind about letting me pull the wagon for their Christmas commercials because they don't have a harness big enough for me.)
Anyways, back to the little brats from the store.After their insult, I kind of grinned and said I was having twins. They both began to ask me about labor and what to expect...this is where I lost control of my mouth...I couldn't help it. When they both asked me if labor hurt...I gave an evil laugh...damn near yelled "hell yeah it hurts!" and ended my sinister plot by telling them that since it was their first pregnancy, the hospitals for reasons of liability,wouldn't allow them to have pain meds. Both of their jaws hit the floor, I smiled gave them a half ass"Good Luck" and walked away. (oh did I mention that I didn't feel the least bit guilty.)
I have also hit the point in my pregnancy that I have lost sympathy for everyone else that complains of pains or pregnancy symptoms.
For example..at the store buying yet another supply of what I affectionately call "Puke Pills" (aka: Rolaids)the cashier says, "oh do you still have morning sickness?" I told her that I did, in which she said,"Oh I had it until I was 10 weeks." Again I smiled and thought to myself, "is this chick for real?" I am obviously further along than 10 weeks and your comment is supposed to make me feel better?
NEWSFLASH! I don't care that you had morning sickness for 10 weeks or at all for that matter! I am 34 weeks along as of today, I puke daily and I have an un-natural fear of the toilet because of it. I have now mastered the art of puking with my eyes closed.Sure I gave myself a massive goose egg on my head from the toilet once or twice, but that's nothing compared to the first few times I tried to pee with my eyes closed. The first time I almost peed in the bath tub,I cracked my trash can, and bruised my ass on the counter, but I think I have the hang of it now.Oh well until I find my next victim....
Monday, October 29, 2007
Operation Twin Pregnancy Mission 5
I wake up on the couch gasping for air... Great..my nose is now so plugged up I can't catch my breath not to mention I think the fires of hell are cold in comparison to me. Brilliant idea...lets take my temp. Lucky for me the thermometer is on the coffee table. I place the dumb thing under my tongue and wait..andwait...and wait...why the hell isn't it beeping? OK genius...turn it on....and wait and wait and wait...it still isn't beeping...whatever...but its been under my tongue for damn near 5 minutes and it says I'm normal..(OK at least my temp is)
I have now accepted the fact that I am having hot flashes, now its time to find something to blow my nose with. Off to the bathroom I go...eyes watering, oxygen levels dropping....one more step...must makeit...fading...getting dark... PHEW!! made it...that was the longest 5 steps... Now for relief...I grab enough toilet paper to turn my dog into a mummy...ready!!! set!!! blow....OOOWWWW! My ears feel like they have exploded, my eyes bugged out of my head and about the only thing that happened is my bellybutton popped out as if to say BING!! Turkeys done!!
Time for a mom remedy... back to the kitchen I go...washcloth in hand...ready to boil some water...under normal circumstances this would be easy...HA! I get the water in the pan, turn on the stove and wait.In the meantime I wet the wash cloth to hold over myface to start the process. Now my dumb dog sees me as a threat on the house, like I am some sort of a masked bandit. She comes charging at me like a bat out of hell, so what do I do.... I swing my pregnant butt around and block her attack. Nimrod has now realized who she is dealing with and is panic stricken... Given that I don't have chloroform on hand to knock her out...I try and coax her into a shot of Crown Royal(god knows I could use one right about now). She didn't take the shot but I think she sniffed it enough to give her a buzz cause she laid right down. Back to the steam.. I again try to blow my nose...BING! outgoes the belly button and that's it. To hell with blowing my nose. I have come to terms with the fact that while I am sick breathing is going to be even more difficult.
Its off to my ultrasound. Now as if breathing wasn't hard enough without being sick, I now get to lay flat on my back for the next hour while this happy go lucky tech pushes on my tummy. Good news...both babies are great...bad news..both babies are breech. Now I see why breathing is so difficult...I have both of their heads stuck in my lungs... but I think the conspiracy goes further...they have turned around to grab onto my ribs so that I can't cough them out. Which also explains why every time I cough I get this huge bump and sharp pain in my ribs...i now think I have bruised ribs on my right side (isn't pregnancy fun!)I make it back home..the thought of food makes me sick..I have coughed so much I can't tell if I have topee or if I pulled a muscle..I have a frog in my throat...a marble in one side of my nose a propeller in the other and the dog is still passed out drunk...I think it is time for me to sniff some Vic ks and pass out....
Until next time...BING!!!! have some turkey
**Disclaimer** The dog is not a drunk. She actually prefers smelling other dogs butts rather than sniffing Crown Royal. This is meant to be funny and not to be taken as an incentive to send me information of the doggy version of AA. :-)
I have now accepted the fact that I am having hot flashes, now its time to find something to blow my nose with. Off to the bathroom I go...eyes watering, oxygen levels dropping....one more step...must makeit...fading...getting dark... PHEW!! made it...that was the longest 5 steps... Now for relief...I grab enough toilet paper to turn my dog into a mummy...ready!!! set!!! blow....OOOWWWW! My ears feel like they have exploded, my eyes bugged out of my head and about the only thing that happened is my bellybutton popped out as if to say BING!! Turkeys done!!
Time for a mom remedy... back to the kitchen I go...washcloth in hand...ready to boil some water...under normal circumstances this would be easy...HA! I get the water in the pan, turn on the stove and wait.In the meantime I wet the wash cloth to hold over myface to start the process. Now my dumb dog sees me as a threat on the house, like I am some sort of a masked bandit. She comes charging at me like a bat out of hell, so what do I do.... I swing my pregnant butt around and block her attack. Nimrod has now realized who she is dealing with and is panic stricken... Given that I don't have chloroform on hand to knock her out...I try and coax her into a shot of Crown Royal(god knows I could use one right about now). She didn't take the shot but I think she sniffed it enough to give her a buzz cause she laid right down. Back to the steam.. I again try to blow my nose...BING! outgoes the belly button and that's it. To hell with blowing my nose. I have come to terms with the fact that while I am sick breathing is going to be even more difficult.
Its off to my ultrasound. Now as if breathing wasn't hard enough without being sick, I now get to lay flat on my back for the next hour while this happy go lucky tech pushes on my tummy. Good news...both babies are great...bad news..both babies are breech. Now I see why breathing is so difficult...I have both of their heads stuck in my lungs... but I think the conspiracy goes further...they have turned around to grab onto my ribs so that I can't cough them out. Which also explains why every time I cough I get this huge bump and sharp pain in my ribs...i now think I have bruised ribs on my right side (isn't pregnancy fun!)I make it back home..the thought of food makes me sick..I have coughed so much I can't tell if I have topee or if I pulled a muscle..I have a frog in my throat...a marble in one side of my nose a propeller in the other and the dog is still passed out drunk...I think it is time for me to sniff some Vic ks and pass out....
Until next time...BING!!!! have some turkey
**Disclaimer** The dog is not a drunk. She actually prefers smelling other dogs butts rather than sniffing Crown Royal. This is meant to be funny and not to be taken as an incentive to send me information of the doggy version of AA. :-)
Operation Twin Pregnancy Mission 4
Being sick while pregnant in itself is not cool. Being sick while pregnant with twins should be considered cruel and unusual punishment! Lets start the chain of events that has come along with this cold..
Let me take you back..2 weeks ago.. 4am I wake up feeling like I am on fire. I start the process of getting out of bed. (I strap the chain around my waist and find the control for the wench.) I am now hanging half way off of the bed trying to convince the cramp in my leg to give in long enough for me to make it to the kitchen. To hell with it..I am now dragging my leg behind me as I bounce off of the walls in the hallway.In the meantime it feels as though someone has my head in the oven while squeezing it in a vice. You know the feeling..with every step you take it feels as though the corresponding eyeball is going to pop out and land on the floor in front of you. (in my case this would be very hazardous as I can't see what is in front of me on the floor. Just my luck ... I would step on my eyeball too.)
I have now made it to the kitchen, in search of any type of cold meds that I can safely take. ChaChing! I have Robitussin. I grab the cough syrup and the Spider man vitamins...(I know better late than never,but I can't take prenatal vitamins anyways and those chewable ones aren't that bad) I also grab the teabags and honey. All the while the dog is looking at meas though I have lost my mind...all I can think is...well DUH!
My eyes are now watery and I feel a sneeze coming on,but I continue on my path of "medicating." I grab a coffee cup to heat up some water..add the teabag...blah blah blah. Judging by the heat of the cup..I think I'll take the meds before a sip of tea.I start with the vitamin. Now it never fails...I sneeze. The dog and I both are now scrambling to get to the vitamin first which has been hurled out of my mouth with the force of a stinger missile. Damn..the dog won and I am now stuck under the kitchen table.After some strategic moves...ah hell I'll be honest...I flop around enough to be top side again and used the chair as a crutch to get up... I figure I'll take the cough syrup now to give me time to re coop from the first vitamin experience.. Prepared to gag, I take the cough syrup as quick as possible. To my surprise..its not that bad.. a little sweet actually.Now the vitamin..the dog is in alert mode waiting for another vitamin mishap, so I figure this has to happen quick. I quickly pop the vitamin in my mouth..which would have worked fine except my dumb ass used too much force and it is now lodged in my throat. Quick thinking, I grab for the tea..take a chug and suddenly realize that the "great tasting cough syrup" was actually the honey and I put the damn Robitussin in my tea.
I am now in a gaging frenzy..Lassie the wonder mutt is freaking out in which she jumps up on my belly...my eyes are really watering now...I am still gaging..oh no...oh boy here it comes... OOPS..I have now puked on the dog who is now whining on the floor as if she were on fire.. Serves her right.Now because of all of the coughing, I have to pee (or maybe I already did?) the dog is still freaking out. I am now dragging the dog to the bathroom with me. As I am peeing I coax the dog into the shower..quick rinse and its back to the kitchen. I restart the whole medicine process.
Finally I make it to the couch where I watch late night commercials about fitness freaks..LIKE I WANT TO SEE THAT RIGHT NOW....maybe I'll sleep a little....
Let me take you back..2 weeks ago.. 4am I wake up feeling like I am on fire. I start the process of getting out of bed. (I strap the chain around my waist and find the control for the wench.) I am now hanging half way off of the bed trying to convince the cramp in my leg to give in long enough for me to make it to the kitchen. To hell with it..I am now dragging my leg behind me as I bounce off of the walls in the hallway.In the meantime it feels as though someone has my head in the oven while squeezing it in a vice. You know the feeling..with every step you take it feels as though the corresponding eyeball is going to pop out and land on the floor in front of you. (in my case this would be very hazardous as I can't see what is in front of me on the floor. Just my luck ... I would step on my eyeball too.)
I have now made it to the kitchen, in search of any type of cold meds that I can safely take. ChaChing! I have Robitussin. I grab the cough syrup and the Spider man vitamins...(I know better late than never,but I can't take prenatal vitamins anyways and those chewable ones aren't that bad) I also grab the teabags and honey. All the while the dog is looking at meas though I have lost my mind...all I can think is...well DUH!
My eyes are now watery and I feel a sneeze coming on,but I continue on my path of "medicating." I grab a coffee cup to heat up some water..add the teabag...blah blah blah. Judging by the heat of the cup..I think I'll take the meds before a sip of tea.I start with the vitamin. Now it never fails...I sneeze. The dog and I both are now scrambling to get to the vitamin first which has been hurled out of my mouth with the force of a stinger missile. Damn..the dog won and I am now stuck under the kitchen table.After some strategic moves...ah hell I'll be honest...I flop around enough to be top side again and used the chair as a crutch to get up... I figure I'll take the cough syrup now to give me time to re coop from the first vitamin experience.. Prepared to gag, I take the cough syrup as quick as possible. To my surprise..its not that bad.. a little sweet actually.Now the vitamin..the dog is in alert mode waiting for another vitamin mishap, so I figure this has to happen quick. I quickly pop the vitamin in my mouth..which would have worked fine except my dumb ass used too much force and it is now lodged in my throat. Quick thinking, I grab for the tea..take a chug and suddenly realize that the "great tasting cough syrup" was actually the honey and I put the damn Robitussin in my tea.
I am now in a gaging frenzy..Lassie the wonder mutt is freaking out in which she jumps up on my belly...my eyes are really watering now...I am still gaging..oh no...oh boy here it comes... OOPS..I have now puked on the dog who is now whining on the floor as if she were on fire.. Serves her right.Now because of all of the coughing, I have to pee (or maybe I already did?) the dog is still freaking out. I am now dragging the dog to the bathroom with me. As I am peeing I coax the dog into the shower..quick rinse and its back to the kitchen. I restart the whole medicine process.
Finally I make it to the couch where I watch late night commercials about fitness freaks..LIKE I WANT TO SEE THAT RIGHT NOW....maybe I'll sleep a little....
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