At this point in my pregnancy I can require a little bit of assistance. This has become a game to those who live with me, take for example...
The other day I was walking down the hallway, when I suddenly had this cramp that went surging through my foot sending my toes in a due north position. This of course sent me semi hopping on one foot while trying to use my arm to balance myself and my other hand to reach my foot (yea right). My dear love David walks by and says,"Whats the matter babe? Cramp in your foot?"All I can muster is itty bitty groans of pure agony and the look of "DUH." What I really wanted to say is,"No jackass, I'm practicing my air guitar so I can enter the local contest.."
After a minute of hyperventilating, and thoughts of beating the man I love, he got the idea and said he would help rub the cramp out of my foot. (I thought,wow, what a guy!) That was until he busted out with my favorite lotion, which he made a point of literally dripping on my foot...one freezing cold drop at a time. Now this is a man that has just taken his life into his own hands...IF I COULD ONLY REACH MY DAMN FEET!!! A task in which he knows I am hardly capable of, in which he thinks is the funniest thing he has ever seen. (Proven by his laughing so hard he's damn near crying)
My 4 year old has also jumped in on the fun. If I say I have to go to the bathroom...Tyler jumps up a runs to bathroom and back at least 2 times to point out how slow I am. Once I finally make it to the bathroom, I have two little sets of hands on the inside that latch onto my bladder to give the kink in the hose affect. Remember how kids are with water balloons? Squeeze it from side to side to make one side big, the other side small? (ya get the idea) So now I am sporadically peeing (which is more than irritating) when Tyler has decided to help me out by hurling himself into bathroom door, which scares me half to death, and has now scared the twins in which case they have clamped on tight and stopped the flow completely. (Makes ya want to have more kids huh) So I threaten Tyler with an inch of his life, waddle my butt out of the bathroom in search of the little terrorist who is now hiding in place he knows I can't reach....under my bed.
I think I'm tough...I'm going in...I can at least grab his leg and pull him out..(HA HA)I am now stuck on the floor, David is not home, the phone is too far away, and Tyler is laughing at me.Remember the commercials..."I've fallen and I can't get up?" Can we say that would be me, however, those little buttons around the old peoples neck that connect to 911 wouldn't work for me...No NO for me it would connect directly to Green Peace to report a beached whale.
At last, I hear the door, its DAVID!!! I'm free.. or so I thought. As I am bellowing "BBBAABBBEEEE!" from the bedroom...I hear a laugh and him say..are you stuck on the floor again? (All I can think is keep it up smart ass) Now me being me, I figured he would come in and help me up and all will be well with my back again. Instead I am greeted with him laughing hysterically, followed by him laying down on the floor"out of sympathy". Twenty minutes have passed and my dear love ones have decided to release me from torture. I am now standing again in which I boldly state that "I am fine, never better".....But what I am really thinking is, "I won't be pregnant forever ya little butt monkeys...and then its on.... I CAN CALMLY WAIT...ITS ONLY A MATTER OF..TIME....
Friday, October 26, 2007
Operation Twin Pregnancy Mission 2
Being pregnant with twins has taught me a few things about pregnancy and the general public. Through jaw dropping stares and more fat comments I care to admit to, there is one thing I have learned above all....Have Fun With It!!And thus..the games begin...
Now when I was growing up, I was taught, "It's not polite to stare." Apparently...I'm the only one who listened. I love it when I get the stare of pure terror from skinny teenage girls. You know the look...deer in the headlights meets The Exorcists. That's right ladies..my body has been taken over by demonic possession!! And its contagious too...watch it...at any given moment my head may spin around and tiny little hands may pop out of my belly!!!
The stares you get from adults are just as bad. Walking through the store I actually had someone go aconsiderable distance away from me while his eyes were fixed on my belly. For a moment I thought I had on my shirt that read "WARNING: this woman may spontaneously com-bust before your very eyes and take you to the flaming gates of hell right along with her!!" Then Iremembered that I was still wearing the "I'm with stupid shirt". Given that I was by myself I can see how that could have been an interesting sight, so to make it look even better, I began talking to myself and attempted to skip about the store in search of the"little people."
Note to self: skipping + twins = 7.0earthquake. (hopefully the people at Safeway will forget me by the time the twins graduate high school.)
Moving on from evil stares....lets talk about prenatal visits. With my medical plan, each time I go to my appointments I have to give a urine sample to check for elevated protein levels. Now at the start of this pregnancy, that was not a problem. I am now 7 months pregnant with twins and have not seen my toes without the assistance of others for the past two months. This "urine sample business" is getting to be more than a sick joke. I don't think I can handle much more of this. I mean come on, they give me a urine cup the size of a shot glass and expect me to fill 'er up...how in the hell am I supposed to do this? I can't see what I'm aiming for!!! There is a reason they don't give gun permits to blind people... its the same reason I haven't filled one of these cups in 2months....WE CAN'T SEE THE TARGET! (maybe if I set the cup on the floor...nah..it would probably move around too much.)If that nurse keeps laughing at me when I walk out of the bathroom, I just might have to show her how funnyI can be. Oh well until next time...
Now when I was growing up, I was taught, "It's not polite to stare." Apparently...I'm the only one who listened. I love it when I get the stare of pure terror from skinny teenage girls. You know the look...deer in the headlights meets The Exorcists. That's right ladies..my body has been taken over by demonic possession!! And its contagious too...watch it...at any given moment my head may spin around and tiny little hands may pop out of my belly!!!
The stares you get from adults are just as bad. Walking through the store I actually had someone go aconsiderable distance away from me while his eyes were fixed on my belly. For a moment I thought I had on my shirt that read "WARNING: this woman may spontaneously com-bust before your very eyes and take you to the flaming gates of hell right along with her!!" Then Iremembered that I was still wearing the "I'm with stupid shirt". Given that I was by myself I can see how that could have been an interesting sight, so to make it look even better, I began talking to myself and attempted to skip about the store in search of the"little people."
Note to self: skipping + twins = 7.0earthquake. (hopefully the people at Safeway will forget me by the time the twins graduate high school.)
Moving on from evil stares....lets talk about prenatal visits. With my medical plan, each time I go to my appointments I have to give a urine sample to check for elevated protein levels. Now at the start of this pregnancy, that was not a problem. I am now 7 months pregnant with twins and have not seen my toes without the assistance of others for the past two months. This "urine sample business" is getting to be more than a sick joke. I don't think I can handle much more of this. I mean come on, they give me a urine cup the size of a shot glass and expect me to fill 'er up...how in the hell am I supposed to do this? I can't see what I'm aiming for!!! There is a reason they don't give gun permits to blind people... its the same reason I haven't filled one of these cups in 2months....WE CAN'T SEE THE TARGET! (maybe if I set the cup on the floor...nah..it would probably move around too much.)If that nurse keeps laughing at me when I walk out of the bathroom, I just might have to show her how funnyI can be. Oh well until next time...
Operation Twin Pregnancy, Mission 1
I noticed when I was pregnant that maternity clothes looked a lot better on the rack or on someone else than they did one me. A beached whale in a thong, looked better than I did in maternity clothes!
I mean come on! Who in the hell decided to make maternity clothes so damn ugly!!! Good God, its bad enough that chronic heartburn is a"natural" (more like supernatural) part of the beauty that is pregnancy...then you get the genius designers that make clothes that look like heartburn. Then of course they show all the cute clothes on the smallest models with what we all know is a FAKE TUMMY, either that or she got impregnated by the mighty midget at the circus. Damn skinny people.
The comes the choice of color in which I have made a simple break down of what each color really makes you look like (and mind you the designers are sitting back and laughing about as I type...we all know its true)
White - Stay Puffed Marsh mellow Man. You all remember him right...the giant walking destructive marsh mellow from Ghostbusters. Tell me this isn't true...huge clumsy and dressed in white. (Some people have a sick sense of humor and for this we thank the lovely people at Motherhood Maternity)
Purple - You guessed it throw some purple on a woman pregnant with twins and you've got our toddlers favorite torture device "BARNEY" How cruel is that?
Yellow - Yellow maternity shirts paired with black pants.... Allow me to add a wide load sticker to my butt and I could walk slow enough down the freeway to guide the semi hauling a double wide (bet ya could still see my butt around it too).
Enough about the colors now for my favorite TRENDY maternity item... The No Belly Shirts and Pants (or at least that's what I called them) . You know the ones that have your huge pregnant belly hanging out for the world to see? Who in there right mind would want to wear this crap? I mean come on, stretch marks screaming in the wind that look like someone added racing stripes to the ever growing blob that once was a flat tummy. HA! I think not!
And last but not least.. the prices!! Its highway robbery! I've seen throw rugs that looked better and cost less. Maybe that's what I could do...fashion a rug into clothes...they are available in funky floral prints too. Oh well I have gone on long enough. I have now decided to go to the Halloween Superstore to do my maternity shopping. Hey its the only place to fit in...I did see a cow costume for which my tummy would fill out so perfectly (and it has udders!!!)
I mean come on! Who in the hell decided to make maternity clothes so damn ugly!!! Good God, its bad enough that chronic heartburn is a"natural" (more like supernatural) part of the beauty that is pregnancy...then you get the genius designers that make clothes that look like heartburn. Then of course they show all the cute clothes on the smallest models with what we all know is a FAKE TUMMY, either that or she got impregnated by the mighty midget at the circus. Damn skinny people.
The comes the choice of color in which I have made a simple break down of what each color really makes you look like (and mind you the designers are sitting back and laughing about as I type...we all know its true)
White - Stay Puffed Marsh mellow Man. You all remember him right...the giant walking destructive marsh mellow from Ghostbusters. Tell me this isn't true...huge clumsy and dressed in white. (Some people have a sick sense of humor and for this we thank the lovely people at Motherhood Maternity)
Purple - You guessed it throw some purple on a woman pregnant with twins and you've got our toddlers favorite torture device "BARNEY" How cruel is that?
Yellow - Yellow maternity shirts paired with black pants.... Allow me to add a wide load sticker to my butt and I could walk slow enough down the freeway to guide the semi hauling a double wide (bet ya could still see my butt around it too).
Enough about the colors now for my favorite TRENDY maternity item... The No Belly Shirts and Pants (or at least that's what I called them) . You know the ones that have your huge pregnant belly hanging out for the world to see? Who in there right mind would want to wear this crap? I mean come on, stretch marks screaming in the wind that look like someone added racing stripes to the ever growing blob that once was a flat tummy. HA! I think not!
And last but not least.. the prices!! Its highway robbery! I've seen throw rugs that looked better and cost less. Maybe that's what I could do...fashion a rug into clothes...they are available in funky floral prints too. Oh well I have gone on long enough. I have now decided to go to the Halloween Superstore to do my maternity shopping. Hey its the only place to fit in...I did see a cow costume for which my tummy would fill out so perfectly (and it has udders!!!)
Lets speed things up a bit
I found out I was having twins half way through my pregnancy. I was immediately taken off of work and was limited as to what I was allowed to day. This didn't sound so bad. Anything was better than having morning sickness attacks on the way to work, on breaks at work, on the sales floor at work, on the way home....ok you get the point. I was sick and not liking it!
The first week wasn't so bad. I caught up on what I had missed for 3 years on General hospital. Laid around a lot, and was able to go to the bathroom without employees knocking on the door saying, "Are you sick again?"
Then week two hit. I was bored out of my mind. It was then that began emailing my mother all the crazy things that went through my mind while being pregnant with twins. The torture, the agony, the water retention. It was then that Operation Twin Pregnancy was born and I will now share that with you. Prepare to laugh and realize how crazy a pregnancy can really make you!
The first week wasn't so bad. I caught up on what I had missed for 3 years on General hospital. Laid around a lot, and was able to go to the bathroom without employees knocking on the door saying, "Are you sick again?"
Then week two hit. I was bored out of my mind. It was then that began emailing my mother all the crazy things that went through my mind while being pregnant with twins. The torture, the agony, the water retention. It was then that Operation Twin Pregnancy was born and I will now share that with you. Prepare to laugh and realize how crazy a pregnancy can really make you!
Pregnant?
My day had started like any other. I got up, went to work, got paid way too little, and came home. It was a Friday. David had plans to go out for the night and I didn't feel like it so I stayed home. Now I had been having an odd feeling for a few days that I couldn't put my finger on. What could it be? Then a light bulb went on in my head that a rolling black out couldn't burn out. Could I be ...pregnant?
I waited about five minutes after David left and jumped in the car to get a home pregnancy test. They only had the ones that have 2 tests in them (could the number 2 be a vision of things to come?) so I bought them and came home.
Now I don't know how many of you have taken a home pregnancy test, but it should be a simple cut and dry process. Sit, pee on stick, and wait. Well when you are so nervous that you can barely keep your hand still, it's not as easy as it sounds. I managed to complete the task without too many "accidents" and wait for my results. Well my wait was about 5 seconds before the test showed the darkest pink line I had ever seen! Ironically at about the same time I took the test, it really seemed like my belly was growing by the second. But me being me, I had to take the second test..."just to be sure."
David took the news with a huge smile on his face, and thus.....
The adventure begins!
I waited about five minutes after David left and jumped in the car to get a home pregnancy test. They only had the ones that have 2 tests in them (could the number 2 be a vision of things to come?) so I bought them and came home.
Now I don't know how many of you have taken a home pregnancy test, but it should be a simple cut and dry process. Sit, pee on stick, and wait. Well when you are so nervous that you can barely keep your hand still, it's not as easy as it sounds. I managed to complete the task without too many "accidents" and wait for my results. Well my wait was about 5 seconds before the test showed the darkest pink line I had ever seen! Ironically at about the same time I took the test, it really seemed like my belly was growing by the second. But me being me, I had to take the second test..."just to be sure."
David took the news with a huge smile on his face, and thus.....
The adventure begins!
Welcome to my Adventures!
Welcome to my adventure that started the day I found out I was pregnant. Little did I know at the time, I was pregnant with twins! It has been a roller coaster of thrills ever since. My twins are almost two... which means I have changed almost 4 years worth of diapers in half the time and gone through enough milk that I should have just bought my own cow. I have had sleepless nights and hazy days... but the one thing that remains the same... I have lost my sanity and brain cells since becoming a mother! My oldest son is six and is a crack up in his own way. So join me for many laughs as I share my life, my adventure, as a mom to twins plus one!
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