I noticed when I was pregnant that maternity clothes looked a lot better on the rack or on someone else than they did one me. A beached whale in a thong, looked better than I did in maternity clothes!
I mean come on! Who in the hell decided to make maternity clothes so damn ugly!!! Good God, its bad enough that chronic heartburn is a"natural" (more like supernatural) part of the beauty that is pregnancy...then you get the genius designers that make clothes that look like heartburn. Then of course they show all the cute clothes on the smallest models with what we all know is a FAKE TUMMY, either that or she got impregnated by the mighty midget at the circus. Damn skinny people.
The comes the choice of color in which I have made a simple break down of what each color really makes you look like (and mind you the designers are sitting back and laughing about as I type...we all know its true)
White - Stay Puffed Marsh mellow Man. You all remember him right...the giant walking destructive marsh mellow from Ghostbusters. Tell me this isn't true...huge clumsy and dressed in white. (Some people have a sick sense of humor and for this we thank the lovely people at Motherhood Maternity)
Purple - You guessed it throw some purple on a woman pregnant with twins and you've got our toddlers favorite torture device "BARNEY" How cruel is that?
Yellow - Yellow maternity shirts paired with black pants.... Allow me to add a wide load sticker to my butt and I could walk slow enough down the freeway to guide the semi hauling a double wide (bet ya could still see my butt around it too).
Enough about the colors now for my favorite TRENDY maternity item... The No Belly Shirts and Pants (or at least that's what I called them) . You know the ones that have your huge pregnant belly hanging out for the world to see? Who in there right mind would want to wear this crap? I mean come on, stretch marks screaming in the wind that look like someone added racing stripes to the ever growing blob that once was a flat tummy. HA! I think not!
And last but not least.. the prices!! Its highway robbery! I've seen throw rugs that looked better and cost less. Maybe that's what I could do...fashion a rug into clothes...they are available in funky floral prints too. Oh well I have gone on long enough. I have now decided to go to the Halloween Superstore to do my maternity shopping. Hey its the only place to fit in...I did see a cow costume for which my tummy would fill out so perfectly (and it has udders!!!)
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